I know no other way to express dichotomy of my thoughts that creeps in from time to time. All the events and things around me that made one to think afresh are put here through few frugal words, probably expressing some meaning.
I was not born insane, nor I was born invalid, It was a surgery performed on my skull which failed to remove the tumor and has made me incapable, may be for ever.
On the first birthday party of my niece I was standing at the gate receiving and welcoming guests. Few looked at me in amaze, some just gave in with smile, but most of them floated in with crowd.
My fiancé followed me everywhere in the party, once she feed me with a piece of cake, I couldn’t perceive why she still rigid to marry me. Could be she want to prove her scarifies, could be she want to project her vastness.
Everyone was sympathetic to me, even they don’t forget pat my back as if I am a young kid learning mathematics.
My father takes a great pride for the spending he has done for the surgery , my mother has no other course but to bear me forever, my brothers once who were honouring every word of mine as dictum now don’t have time to listen me.
Father, I don’t disqualify your claim. Mother, I am sorry for the pain you've been suffering. My brothers, I apologies that I couldn’t give you anymore sound decisions. But O’ my fiancé! I am dejected with your resolution, please learn form others, and reject me and discard me, I don’t want your sympathy, leave me alone to survive or die, let me feel the loneliness, let me feel the dissolution, let give me a chance to live within me.
On a hot summer afternoon a father and his daughter sitting over the pavement of the drain in front of my house. Spread over the pavement father’s loincloth, in which they have laid all collected food from the dustbin of near by hotel. Segregating the eatables from not eatables, enjoying every bite of it as if sense of heaven in hell.
The father eats away the major share, daughter managed what ever she could and Darwin at haven was happy to see his “survival of fittest”.
I sense fear somewhere within them, somewhere within them I sense little restlessness, probably they don’t want to share the food, could be they don’t wish me to look at them also possibly they were thinking about their fate that tomorrow would bring.
To them, heat of summer has no meaning, To them, tears bears no value, only thing where hope rests was on food.
Soul cries useless is your existence, how long tears will fall from the dark night ? Dream horrifies, thoughts take rest under the breath of pills, wait for the morning, and the wait for the tears to get dried end successfully with rising sun . Luminary brings hope of a new night and make live thousands old memories to be submerged in melancholy.
A night full of old fragrance some where lost in backyard years. Slices of the mortal body stacked in different racks is left for you to rearrange, and bless it with a life.
* * * Published in the Newspaper The Asian Age (16thMay’1999), India
Shut in a dark room, Light pips in only through ventilation. My wait for you And the years to come has Just begun.
Collision of random thoughts in the brain. On your arrival Will I kiss you first and hug you later Or should I retire to a corner And weep till I sense your tear drops Over my eyes.
Why you were born? To make me suffer, To see other bleed to death, Though death is no more a fear. I can bear thousand such death And thousand such reincarnation But not this life, not this life.
You, a confused soul Can’t even smell the fresh blood Not even the blood that have been Clotted for a long time over the floor. Awake yourself, open your eyes See the suffering, see the tears, See the blood And the dead lying beside you .
Chest burst out of pain blood and flesh spill all over the sky and the earth again I’ve failed to write that immortal poem which I’ve longed for years.
No words could be closed to your faith. Each line conceived ends in frustration, and ridicules me that I’ve failed again to make you immortal in my poem.
